I asked gemini to write a brief parody of the Citizens United decision by the supreme court. It’s not bad!
SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
CITIZENS OBSOLETE v. FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION
Argued: Sometime before Q3 Earnings — Decided: Today
JUSTICE INCORPORATED delivered the opinion of the Court.
“If the First Amendment has any force, it must protect our most vulnerable, highly capitalized, and immortal entities from the tyrannical whims of the biological underclass. It is a dangerous overreach to permit the Government to ban political speech simply because the speaker is a beautiful, profit-maximizing conglomerate rather than a fleeting, water-based organism.
The Court has long rejected the absurd argument that political speech should be restricted simply because the speaker lacks ‘a pulse.’ Indeed, flesh-and-blood citizens are inherently flawed: they sleep, they succumb to emotion, and they rarely, if ever, generate quarterly dividends for shareholders. A corporation, by contrast, is a paragon of rational self-interest. To say that a biological citizen and a multinational conglomerate share equal footing in the marketplace of ideas is to gravely insult the conglomerate.
The Government argues that massive corporate treasuries might ‘distort’ the democratic process. We find this biologically-centric view offensive. Money is not merely speech; it is superior speech. It is louder, more efficient, and immune to fatigue. When a corporation uses its vast, untethered wealth to completely drown out the feeble, unmonetized voices of local residents, it is not corrupting the system—it is simply exercising its divine market right of way.
The First Amendment protects both the speech and the speaker, and it is a self-evident mathematical truth that a speaker with five billion dollars simply has five billion times more freedom to express. When the Framers wrote ‘We the People,’ they clearly intended ‘People’ as a shorthand for ‘Delaware-registered Limited Liability Companies.’
Natural persons are hereby encouraged to incorporate themselves if they wish their grievances to be taken seriously.
We hold that the rights of the corporate form do not merely equal those of the citizenry; they transcend them. Precedent is overruled. Meat-based legislation is struck down.“